qazwart

The Republican Contract with America (2010 Edition)

2010-06-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

A lot of Republicans are talking about a new Contract with America. This was a strategy that worked back in the late 1980s which allowed the Republicans to capture the U.S. House. Fortunately, I was able to get an early draft:

1). We promise to help support the Family and push to make sure that marriage is between one man and one woman.

2). Except in certain parts of Utah which are heavily Republican. In that case, it's between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman, and a woman...

3). We will stand firmly against the Homosexual agenda, and will refuse to have any more homosexual affairs.

4). Unless that guy is helping us with our luggage, or we're making a quick bathroom stop.

5). We will support the free enterprise system and believe that the government shouldn't be giving out our hard earned tax dollars to anyone. People should stand on their own two feet.

6). Unless you're a farmer of a heavily Republican state which in this case we'll make sure that the government gives you plenty of dough.

7). And use price supports instead of depending upon the free market to set prices on crops.

8). Oh yes, if you run a really big business, we'll make sure you get special tax breaks too. Just keep those contributions coming.

9). We respect anyone who is willing to roll up their sleeves and put in a full day's work.

10). Unless your name is Juan and you snuck in here illegally. Then you should stay out.

11). Unless you know anything about gardening. My last gardener was deported. (Stupid government interference in the affairs of private citizens.)

12). We believe in the little guy. The guy who makes a simple middle class salary of $350,000 per year and lives in a seven bedroom house in the suburbs. The small businessman who runs the business with 400+ employees. The banker who gave me that job on the corporate board of directors and a half million dollar salary. The business owner who lets me use his private jet for free. The multimillionaire who lets me stay in his summer home in the Bahamas when I needed some private time with my family, well my secretary, but my family was on my mind the whole time.

13). We believe... Look this isn't working. Is it?

Let's just move to Plan B: Look a terrorist! The Democrats are socialists! They're going to take away your guns! The apocalypse is coming and the President is the anti-Christ! Vote for me, or the world will end! ARRGGHHH! Don't think! Be scared!

New Mac/Old Problems

2009-12-03T19:06:00.001-08:00

I just got a new MacBook Pro the other day, and because Macs are so simple and easy, it only took me about 15 hours to set up.

When you get a Mac, there's a setting to merely copy over your information from your old Mac. You can do this by connecting two FireWire cables, or by using the backup hard drive from TimeMachine. TimeMachine is a special Mac backup program that backs up your Mac every hour. It keeps all of your files for as long as there is disk space on your backup hard drive. It keeps every revision of every file. Basically, you can go back in time to see what your computer looked like an hour ago, a week ago, a month ago, as far back as the drive has room. It's really a neat program.

Anyone who has a Mac should be using it. This is especially true since you can pick up a Terabyte (1000 Gigabytes) hard drive for less than $100. Remember, it's not if your hard drive will fail, but when.

Getting back to the program. I was sharing an old Mac Mini with my wife, and now that I had this MacBook, I wanted to get my stuff off that computer and onto this computer, so I used Apple's special utility to move the information from that machine to my MacBook. It was done in a little over an hour. Perfect! All the apps, all the settings, all the documents.

Except it didn't work. The computer would boot, but I simply couldn't get onto the Internet. After a few hours of playing with various settings, I decided to do strategy #2: Start from Scratch.

I initialized the hard drive, reloaded a fresh copy of the OS, and tried again. This time, I was able to successfully connect. Now, to get my data over.

I used a pick and choose method of selecting the applications, my data, and not the computer settings. However, I couldn't get my user data over because I already created a duplicate account on my new machine. I had to create a second account, and transfer the data over that way. After that, I had to manually transfer the data onto my new machine. The whole thing took about three hours to do.

Unfortunately, since I didn't move over settings, some of the software I moved over didn't have the licenses set and needed special setup in the control panel and other places.

This meant going through old emails and tracking down license numbers, going to company websites, and reinstalling the software. Of course, the software now had new versions, and I was asked to pay for the license fee upgrades. Another four to five hours.

Finally, I had my iTunes library of about 40 Gigabytes of music and other media files. Our old Mac Mini only had a 80 Gigabyte drive, so I had stored my iTunes files on an external 80 Gigabyte hard drive. No problem: It has a FireWire port, and I'll just plug it into my Mac.

Nope: My old Mac is a FireWire 400 and my new Mac is FireWire 800. Somehow, when they upgraded FireWire, they made it incompatible with the older system. There was no way to connect this old drive to my new MacBook.

I was finally able to mount the drive over the WiFi network. This meant I could mount the drive remotely to my MacBook, and then copy the files over the WiFi network. Do you know how long it takes to copy 40 Gigabytes worth of data over a WiFi network? Too friggin' long.

Once the files were copied over, I had to now get iTunes to rearrange everything to its liking. iTunes changed the way it stores its info between when I setup my old Mac Mini and the new MacBook. The old way works with the new system, but only if it was setup that way originally. I now had to wait for iTunes to reshuffle everything which took another hour and a half.

Finally, after spending all night, I was able to get my MacBook (more or less) setup. Good thing this wasn't Windows I was setting up. I understand setting up a Windows system can be difficult to do.

Not like a Mac.

My Letter to John Hodgman

2009-11-09T19:32:00.001-08:00

Dear Mr. Hodgman:

I was at the Barnes and Nobles in New York during your book reading. You told a story about sitting in first class and noticed a beautiful famous actress sitting in another seat. Next to her was another person who spent all of his time playing Sudoku. You explained how upset you were with that person because instead of taking advantage of sitting next to a beautiful famous actress, he spent all of his time playing Sudoku. Well, Mr. Hodgman, I was that person.

Let me explain. When I say I was that person, I was not exactly that person. Although my mother has asked me to fly down to visit her many times, I usually don't get too many requests to go off to some far flung place where the best method of travel would be by airplane.

Also, if I did ever go to some far flung place, it wouldn't be by flying first class. It's not that I couldn't afford a first class ticket. I do some highly technical work that most people (including myself) don't fully understand, and I am well compensated for it. It is truly one of the wonders of the Internet Age.

It would be a matter of priorities. If I did somehow manage to have to fly to some far flung place, and I attempted to buy a first class ticket, my wife would become very upset. "What do you think you're doing?", she'll ask. "Don't you know we have to reseed the lawn, or fix the roof, or save for a raining day? Who do you think you are? Some famous minor television personality?"

I'll try to assure her that it is absolutely necessary for me to fly first class. I need to be able to sleep on the plane and be well rested when I do get to that far flung place, but she'll be on to me.

"You can't fool me", she'll tell me. "You're only flying first class because you think you'll have a one-in-nine chance of sitting next to some beautiful famous actress." And, she would be right.

However, I know that if somehow I did have to fly to some far flung place, and I did manage to buy a first class ticket, and I did manage to sit next to a beautiful famous actress, I too would take out my iPhone and spend the entire time playing Sudoku.

I know this because, on rare occasion, when I am riding the commuter train from the New Jersey suburbs (where by law, those who aren't famous minor television personalities must live) to my job in New York, a beautiful young woman will sit next to me.

At first I am excited by the prospect of being so close to a beautiful woman, but then I will quickly realize that she merely chose this particular seat because I appear a bit less creepy than the guy who's carrying on a conversation with a paper bag he's holding.

Maybe if I was a famous minor television personality I would be able to say hello to my seat partner and smile. However, not being a famous minor television personality, I realize the best impression I could make on this young beautiful woman is not to appear overly creepy. Therefore, I do my best to avoid directly looking at her, and I take out my iPhone and play Sudoku.

People will ask her, "How was your ride on the train today?", and she'll reply, "It went pretty good. I sat next to this dumpy middle age man, and he didn't bother me at all."

I can imagine myself on that very plane you were on. I would look at my ticket and realize that my seat is next to this beautiful famous actress. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I enjoyed her last movie. But, instead, I take out my iPhone and start playing Sudoku.

I'll do my best not to look at her, only stealing an occasional glance her way, pretending I am looking at something else. "Is that a cumulus cloud we are passing?" "Is there a gremlin on our wing?" Most of all, I'll be staring at my iPhone and playing Sudoku.

Things would be different if I was a famous minor television personality like yourself. I could tell her what the real Jon Stewart is like when the cameras are off. Maybe she herself had been on the Daily Show, and we could share war stories. Maybe she'd ask me what it is like working with Justin Long and whether in real life he's anything like the Brandon character he played in Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

But, I am not a famous minor television personality. I don't want her to tell all of her glamourous friends about the creepy middle age man who sat next to her on the flight. "It's getting to the point they're letting anyone fly first class.", her friends will bemoan. So, I'll sit their playing my Sudoku trying my best not to be noticed.

I'll be tired, and I'll think of reclining my chair and going to sleep. After all, I bought a first class ticket, and I would be entitled to recline back in my chair and sleep. But, then I'll realize that she has already put her chair back and has shut her eyes. I would first assure myself that it too would be okay to recline my seat and sleep. It's expected. But, then I'll think about what she'll see when she wakes up and sees someone who isn't a famous minor television personality lying next to her.

So, even though I long to rest, I keep my chair upright, stay awake, and play another round of Sudoku. And, I simply hope that she'll remember how well behaved I was even if she can't remember my face.

However, I now realize that I was inconsiderate to those around me. I forgot to think that there might be some famous minor television personality who wanted to sit next to this beautiful famous actress, but I was hogging the seat and playing Sudoku the entire flight. I am sorry. Please forgive me.

I now know what I must do if this happens to me. I shall tell the beautiful famous actress (while respectfully diverting my gaze) that I am sorry that the airline made a mistake of assigning me a seat next to hers. Then, I'll leave my seat, walk back to the economy class cabin to the galley in the back of the plane where I can crouch down in a corner and know that the engine noise will cover up my quiet weeping.

So, Mr. Hodgman, the next time you are flying to some far flung place in a plane, and you are sitting in the first class cabin. And, you see an empty seat next to a beautiful famous actress. Feel free to take it. I'll be fine. And, if the beautiful actress and you decide you both want to play a few rounds of Sudoku together, feel free to come back to the galley and ask to borrow my iPhone. I would be thrilled to know that I've made two famous people a bit happier, and that neither of them despise me.

CheapyD & CampingKev Go to Lunch

2009-11-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

David "CheapyD" Abrams from the Cheap Ass Gamer Podcast and CampingKev went to Japan to tackle the Windows 7 Burger. From the looks of CampingKev's face, I bet he wished he stayed in New York.

Good Night Broadway

2009-11-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

A nick name for New York is the City that Never Sleeps. This is because if you live in New York, you won't be able to get any sleep from all the traffic noise you'll hear all night long.

Actually, we don't think of New York as ever closing down, but I was walking by Broadway and 22nd Street where they have a little park with tables and chairs. As you can see, there are several tables with parasols as a place where you can sit down and read. Very nice little area.

However, when I was coming home about 9:30pm, I noticed the chairs and tables all put away. What? Someone has the job of putting these tables and chairs up every night and laying them out every morning? It just seems strange that New York closes up like some restaurant after 9pm.

Our Food Tastes As Good Coming Up As It Did Going Down

2009-11-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

I went to see the USS New York today and decided to walk back via the Hudson River Walk. Off of pier 84 is a restaurant named P.D O'Hurley's. Is that really good name for a restaurant that sells such stomach churning delights as nachos?

Why not simply name it Raphie O'Puke's and be done with it?

The Return of the Twin Towers

2009-11-03T19:24:00.001-08:00

This is the new Navy ship, the U.S.S New York. It was made with 7 1/2 tons of the steel from the World Trade Center. Normally, I don't get worked up about patriotic drivel, but I use to commute to New York and take the Path Train to the World Trade Center almost every day.

I was not working in New York when 9/11 happened, but I do remember that day. A few weeks before, a friend of mine told me he could get me a job at Canter Fitzgerald if I wanted it. He told me this because I was unhappy with my current boss where I was working near Red Bank New Jersey. However, I decided that I didn't feel like commuting to New York again, and told him no thanks. What stopped me was the thought of taking the elevator (two actually) to the 105th floor of One World Trade Center every day where they had their offices. None of the employees at Canter Fitzgerald that day survived the attack.

We were at work when the first reports filtered through, and soon the TVs were on. We heard a plane had crashed into one of the towers, but were surprised at the damage. We had originally assumed it was a small private plane. We then saw the other plane hit the tower, and everything changed. Right after we saw both towers collapse on TV, the president of the company simply told us to go home. I remember driving on the Garden State Parkway and seeing the smoke from the towers as I drove home.

I had worked on and off in Downtown New York for years. That meant taking the PATH train from Newark Penn Station to the World Trade Center. I was quite familiar with the building, and I knew quite a few people who worked there. My best friend, Chris was working in the World Trade Center as a Network administrator for a small company. He later told me he got laid off about a week before September 11th, and had never been happier to had been unemployed.

I went by today to visit the U.S.S. New York mainly because I knew the bow of the ship was made with steel from the World Trade Center. It was like seeing an old friend once more after a long time absence.

We could see the boat from the Intrepid pier and tomorrow, they'll be giving tours to the public. I'm going to see if I can visit around lunch time.

Smart Choice - Dumb Program

2009-10-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Several companies in the food industry banded together to create the SmartChoice program. The concept was simple. Instead of consumers having to figure out what is good to eat and what is not, let's just put a big ol' red check mark on the smart food choices -- like Froot Loops.

The program was widely mocked in the news and bloggersphere. It was soon revealed that SmartChoices included Chocolate Lucky Charms, Helman's Real Mayonaise, and salt packed Kid's Lunchables.

First the Connecticut Attorney General, Richard Blumenthal, sent several letters to the various companies behind the SmartChoice program. Soon other Attorney Generals from other states got in on the action.

Now, the Feds are involved. The FDA sent a letter to the group back in August with some questions about the program's guidelines. Like "Do you guys have any?".

Well, the SmartChoice program has decided to suspend operations until the FDA releases new guidelines for nutritional claims on the front of packages. PepsiCo who's artificially sweetened sodas and Quacker Oats cereals were part of the program has pulled out entirely. Kellogg's whose Froot Loops cereal brought derision to the program has announced that it is phasing out the program, and is removing the mark from its products. Officially, the program still exists, but the SmartChoices program says it will no longer recruit new companies.

The SmartChoices Program's website is still up and running, but I suspect that's more due to inertia. No one has pulled the plug quite yet. Despite PepsiCo's pull out from the program, they're products are still listed there.

And, what about Eileen Kennedy, the nutritionist who is president of the SmartChoices program and whose reputation as a serious scientist in the field of nutrition is now on the line. She says:

I’m actually pleased that F.D.A. has moved in this direction. I think it’s one more step in decreasing any confusion that’s out there in the marketplace.
I'm sure she is.

A New Bite into Bloatware

2009-10-22T08:00:00.001-07:00

Bloatware is a term for software that start off small, fairly well written and intuitive. Then, after each release, more and more features are haphazardly added until you're left with a package that is slow, unstable, and unpleasant to use.

Windows was considered a perfect example of bloatware. By the time Microsoft was working on Windows Vista, their operating system had become a mess. It was buggy and full of security holes. Windows Vista was suppose to fix many of these problems (and it did fix some of them), but in the end, it became so bloated that people literally stopped buying it. Even today, most corporations (the bread-and-butter for Microsoft) still limp along with Windows XP -- an operating system that was released about the same time the first version of Mac OS X made its debut.

Windows Vista became so bad, that it became the butt of many jokes and ruined Microsoft's reputation. Microsoft immediately set to work on Windows 7, removing bloat, cleaning up the interface, making the program so much faster.

Microsoft is also working hard on its reputation of being a stodgy, nerdish, and very uncool company. As part of this effort, they've done some pretty rad things to help promote Windows 7. However, one of these efforts was a dual promotion with Burger King of Japan with the new Windows 7 burger. This is not a photoshopped picture. This is an actual picture of a Windows 7 burger taken ...I mean stolen... uh borrowed from Burger King Japan's website. I don't know if this is a way to market something from a company that is the very definition of bloatware.

Bon Appetite!

Good Night Ladies and Gentlemen. Hope You Had a Wonderful Evening, and Please Continue to Take Your Medications

2009-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

I went to another wonderful Moth evening at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe in New York. The last topic was on enemies -- either real or perceived, and I think the evening seemed to focus mostly on the latter category.

The winner of tonight was a heavy-set man who was about 6'2" and probably weighed approximately 400 pounds. Now, might disagree with my assessment about this man being merely heavy-set instead of fat, but I would not call this person fat. At least, not in his face and with a good head start. Imagine being convicted of a serious crime. Now, imagine your cellmate from hell.

However, this person was not a violent individual. No, he told us so several times in his story. Sure, he was a bouncer, but he always brought peace and love between patrons. Except for those *@!#*$ little guys with the @#&*@@ Napoleonic complexes who think you can't hit them... Then, he's suddenly break himself off in mid sentence, take a few steps back and smile, as if he just caught himself from getting overly upset and strangling everyone in the room. Again.

However, he was not a violent person. Sure, his story involved a neighborhood family getting a restraining order against him when he was only ten years old. But, there was a good reason for him hating that family so much. The neighbor's son looked like Mark Hamill.

(NOTE: For the record, I look nothing like Mark Hamill. Please don't hurt me.)

There were, of course, nine other stories that night. Some of them I even liked better than the winner's. However, what was much more interesting were the little slips of paper that The Moth had passed around at the beginning of the show where people were suppose to describe their enemy in a few words.

It is these little slips that revealed a world of hurt and pain and the possible need for mild psychotropic medication.

One person mentioned his uncle was his enemy because his uncle shot him in the leg with a blowgun. I guess that's actually a pretty good reason. Another talked about hating working at Verizon. This again, I feel for him. I once spent a dreaded period of time at AT&T. The place I worked was a football sized stadium of a room packed with cubicles. This is how many people picture what Hell looks like, except Hell isn't probably as dreary looking nor as depressing. There's something about working for a phone company that brings out the worse in people.

But, then there was the person who's worse enemy was the Chinese pushcart operator on Elizabeth Street. Another talked about the trombonist in his elementary school's music band who had "three fingers and a black heart". Another hated clutter. Boy, was that person in for a terrible night. The host, Dan Kennedy, dropped the little slips of paper in a pile on the floor as he was reading them. I was almost surprised that this person didn't jump up and rush the stage. I was expecting something out of Tell Tale Heart.

Dan Kennedy was a nice man, but he had a tendency to read little bits of paper and drop them on the floor causing clutter, so logically I had to kill him. You see the logic in this decision which is proof that I'm not crazy...

Another person listed the doughnut shop as their worst enemy. I wasn't sure whether they're some health food nut who's upset at the donut shop for junk food or their best customer. Maybe it's both.

Your doughnut shop is responsible for the epidemic of obesity in this country. They're full of chemicals and are killing our children and poisoning the planet! The only reasons your customers eat this just is because they're addicted to the processed sugars and fats.

Your usual order today, sir?

No, I'll take only a half dozen chocolate glazed this time. I'm trying to lose some weight. Hey are those jelly donuts over there?

However, the blurb I liked the best was from an author who wrote in tiny print on both sides of the slip of paper. Where others wrote a mere tweet about their enemies, she had a whole blog post.

And, blog post is quite appropriate. Her neighbor has been blogging about this person for the last three years. The whole blog is apparently contains all the actions this person has done throughout the day. Day after day. Unfortunately, she didn't give a URL for the blog.

Several things struck me about this particular story.

Who's more insane? The person who's blogging about her neighbor day after day, or the neighbor who's reading this blog day after day.
At least someone is reading her blog.
How did the victim find out about the blog? Did the blogger say something like, "Oh! You aught to read my blog. I'm sure you'll find it extremely pertinent. The URL is h-t-t-p Kill my neighbor die die die dot blogspot dot com."
If you find a blog like this about yourself, do you leave comments about the posts?

It was another fun evening and I truly enjoyed all the various stories. Once again, I couldn't participate because I myself have no enemies. It isn't due to the fact I'm such a wonderful person as much as someone actually has to first notice you exist before they can develop the deep seated hatred for you to become your enemy.

I CAN HAS SMARTZ

2009-10-14T01:33:00.000-07:00

I've always hear debates arguing which animal is smarter, a dog or a cat. Or, maybe a pig. The problem we are always defining animal intelligence in comparison to us. If we do something well, and another animal also does it well, that animal must be smart.

The actual truth is a bit harder: Animals are smart where they need to be. I can imagine what would happen if another creature decided to test us on their abilities to see how smart we really are:

Testing Basic Intelligence in Homo Sapien

Although no creature is as intelligent as us felines, it is important to know the type of intelligence in other species, and how they compare to cats. My colleagues and I have been involved in the field of species intelligence for about five years. That is to say most of our professional careers.

In this series of test, the subject was a 20 year old male from the species Homo Sapien with a common name of Human. Although we realize that this creature wouldn't be as bright as us cats are, we were quite surprised by our initial survey.

The creature closely resembles its nearest genetic cousin, Pan troglodyte (otherwise known as the Chimpanzee). The differences between the two show how much degradation has taken place with the human since these two species split off from a common ancestor about 7 million years ago. The human has almost no body hair, has lost the ability to climb trees, and cannot even eat a banana with its feet. Still, although the physical body plan has shown some strange deterioration since its divergence from other Great Apes, there are many in our community who feel that the Human shows signs of incredible intelligence.

My colleagues and I decided to test the intelligence of this Human using a basic four part test developed by the Center for Small Woodland Creatures and the Institute for Napping. We gave the subject an initial health evaluation to verify that the creature is free of parasites and is in general good health. The subject passed this evaluation although he could have given his finger nails a good scrubbing.

Test 1: Acclimatization

In this first test, we placed the subject in a large room to see if he could quickly find the cosiest spot in the room. The subject entered the room and walked around it for 20 or so minutes examining it. After 20 minutes, the subject sat down in a corner instead of the cosy spot located just off to the center of the room.

We repeated this test several times. In the second instance, we placed some newspapers on the cosy spot to help the subject locate it. However, the subject still insisted on sitting in the corner. Even when we had another researcher pretend to read the newspaper, the subject didn't notice the cosy spot. We ran one more session with the curtains open, so the sun could shine on the cosy spot, yet even with the newspaper on the floor, a fellow researcher reading the newspaper, and the sun shining on the spot, the subject was still unable to locate the cosy spot.

Test 2: Coordination

In this assessment, we test the human's coordination by placing several mice in the room and timing how long it takes the subject to subdue the mice. Three mice were used ranging from one which was a young adult, a senior adult about two years old, and one asthmatic and blind mouse which even a four day old kitten would be able to subdue.

We were absolutely shocked by the results. The subject was unable to subdue a mouse even when that mouse crawled up his leg. In fact, despite the subject's large size in comparison to the mouse, the subject seemed intimidated by the mice. The subject tried stomping on the mice and throwing various objects at the mice, but was unable to even kill one after over 20 minutes.

Test 3: Mutual Cooperation

As we all know, it is extremely important for fellow creatures of the same species to be able to cooperate. For example, it is very difficult to clean ones head behind the ear. Therefore, when someone else comes along, we cats do cooperative grooming and mutual licking.

The subject was placed back in the room and a female member of the species was also placed in the room. To our surprise, the two humans immediately settled into cooperative grooming and mutual licking.

However, when we later reviewed the results of this test, we realize that much of the mutual licking was probably due to the fact that neither subject had been spayed or neutered.

Test 4: Communications

As we cats know, it is vitally important to be able to communicate with other species. For example, we might need to get another species to feed us or to pet us.

The subject was placed again in the observation room along with a black bear. To our dismay, the subject was unable to get the bear to feed him or even to get the bear to scratch behind his ears.

Instead the subject screamed and ran around the room and pounded on the door to be let out. This, of course, did not communicate to the bear the human's desire to be fed or petted.

Conclusions

Those that believe that these creatures possess a great amount of intelligence would be fairly upset by our results. The subject performed poorly in all areas of testing and even a young kitten would have done better.

The subject will be sorely missed. However, we are happy to report that the bear did enjoy a nice snack.

Danger Will Robinson!

2009-10-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

The T-Mobile Sidekick is dead thanks to Microsoft. The Sidekick was a neat little platform aimed squarely at the texting set. It had a full sized keyboard, but was the size of a typical cellphone.

Last week, everyone who owned a Sidekick suddenly found their data completely inaccessible. This data was stored in the thin ether of the Internet on Microsoft's servers, and the servers died. No problem, Microsoft backed up all that data. Well, they thought they backed it up. The data must be on some floppy disk somewhere at Redmond. Check Bill's desk.

The Sidekick was a product of a small company called Danger which Microsoft bought a year and a half ago back in April 2008. Microsoft had big plans for Danger. It would help Microsoft with their new Project Pink cellphone that would take on the iPhone the same way the Zune took on the iPod. (You remember the Zune? Right?).

Anyway, if you had any questions on how valuable Danger was to Microsoft, all you had to do is look at their press release talking about their acquisition:

Danger will become a part of the new Premium Mobile Experiences (PMX) team, a group within the Mobile Communications Business (MCB) of the Entertainment and Devices Division at Microsoft. The PMX team focuses on consumer-facing mobile projects and is led by Roz Ho, corporate vice president of Premium Mobile Experiences, reporting to Andy Lees, senior vice president of the MCB. Danger co-founders Matt Hershenson and Joe Britt will join the new organization, reporting directly to Ho.

So, the founders who made Danger what it is will be reporting to the head of 1. the PMX team who would report to 2. the Mobile Communications Business who would report to 3. the Entertainment and Devices Division. Even this is still several layers below the executive management team. Can you spell Disaster in the Making? I knew you could.

Even worse, the PMX team already was already working on Project Pink -- another iPhone killer, and wasn't necessarily interested in the intruders from Danger coming onto their project. The Danger staff atrophied as people moved away from that product when they realized there was no future there in Microsoft.

Meanwhile two levels up in the organization, as the PMX team was working on Project Pink, the Zune group is at the Entertainment and Devices Division. And, don't forget Windows Mobile which is working at the Mobile Communication Business division right in between the PMX team and the Zune group.

So, Danger was competing against three other Microsoft platforms: Project Pink, Windows Mobile, and the Zune. The Danger team was reporting to a team leader who was already had a competing project, Project Pink. Meanwhile, Project Pink's team was reporting to the same group responsible for Windows Mobile, and they in turn reported to the group responsible for the Zune and Xbox.

And how is Project Pink going? According to Roughly Drafted, it is as the Washington Post already put it Dead in the Water. T-Mobile, thanks to Microsoft's incompetence has tens of thousands of steaming from the ears former Sidekick users (all Sidekick users are former users now) who will probably sue. T-Mobile, already a trailing number 4 national cell phone provider, and the only one with no land line linkage, has a blackened reputation which it may never recover.

Motorola and Palm, two leading Windows Mobile providers have abandoned the platform for Android. I can't blame them. Why stick around with Microsoft when they are working on a competing product. Microsoft had done this before. They created an MP3 platform for Windows Mobile called PlaysForSure, got a lot of partners, then announced the Zune and killed PlaysForSure. Well, if PlaysForSure wasn't officially dead, it is now.

So, thanks Microsoft's Project Pink is dead, the Zune HD hasn't taken off, and thanks to the divisions at Microsoft will never become a phone. Meanwhile, the Windows Mobile platform is behind Symbian, RIM/Blackberry, and the iPhone in sales. And, now is losing market share to Android.

The good news is I am buying a new MacBook Pro. This means, right after I buy it, Apple will quickly release something so cool and hip that everyone will have one. That is, everyone except me because I just blew a wad on an MacBook.

White Collar Holler

2009-10-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Over twenty years ago. I was in a job that was quickly approaching a dead end. In fact, most of the time, my paycheck came late because the owner didn't have the cash needed to pay us and simply ducked out. I was a developer in a language in a pre-MS-DOS minicomputer that was quickly becoming obsolete.

As I was driving to work, I heard a song played on station KUT in Austin that struck me pretty hard. It seemed to be speaking of my life at the time. I tried calling the station to find out who the song was by, and the name of the song, but the only person at the station must have been on the show, and he had taken the phone off the hook. By the time I finally got through to the station three hours later, that person had left and no one could figure out what I was talking about.

After two decades only a few lines from the chorus are still stuck in my head, "Nothing ever happens in this life of mine. I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line." And, a few lines from a verse hear or there, "I rise up every morning at a quarter to eight, A woman whose my wife tells me not to be late". Remembering the song upsets me because I know I'll never find out its name or any more information.

If there was only some way of searching vast quantities of information quickly and rapidly. Something where I type a few words in a field -- like on a computer screen -- and it would search all the information in the entire world until it could find the name of that song. But, where would this information reside? And, what could I possibly use to search this vast source of information?

If you said, "Why don't you try Google, you dork, and get on with your life", give yourself 10 points extra credit.

Yes, after years of this song haunting my life, I finally tried googling it a few days ago, and the very first link told me that this song is called the White Collar Holler and was sung by Stan Rogers on his album Between the Breaks...Live! and was written by Nigel Russell. Here's the entire song:

Well, I rise up every morning at a quarter to eight
Some woman who's my wife tells me not to be late
I kiss the kids goodbye, I can't remember their names
And week after week, it's always the same

And it's Ho, boys, can't you code it, and program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line

Then it's code in the data, give the keyboard a punch
Then cross-correlate and break for some lunch
Correlate, tabulate, process and screen
Program, printout, regress to the mean

And it's Ho, boys, can't you code it, and program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line

Then it's home again, eat again, watch some TV
Make love to my woman at ten-fifty-three
I dream the same dream when I'm sleeping at night
I'm soaring over hills like an eagle in flight

And it's Ho, boys, can't you code it, and program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line

Someday I'm gonna give up all the buttons and things
I'll punch that time clock till it can't ring
Burn up my necktie and set myself free
Cause no'one's gonna fold, bend or mutilate me.

And it's Ho, boys, can't you code it, and program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line

And it's Ho, boys, can't you code it, and program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line

This song is available from iTunes

It's Educational!

2009-09-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

I've been a big fan of Theo Gray -- the one who is not related to Spalding Gray. I've bought my son who's a theoretical quantum physical chemist (hey, if you're going to specialize, why not go all the way?) his poster of the periodic table showing samples of the real elements.

He has a series of YouTube videos that show you, with a few simple house hold chemicals, how to turn your entire neighborhood in a raging inferno. The one below shows you how to make pure titanium from regular household products.

Fortunately for us, he uses his powers for good instead of evil.

Maybe I'm Not Boring After All

2009-09-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a book called People Who Don't Know They're Dead. That could explain a lot about my life. Maybe I died but haven't realize it yet.

However, the second part of the title is And How They Attach Themselves to the Unsuspecting... which completely ruins my hypothesis. If I'm truly dead and attached myself to some unsuspecting living person, why didn't I chose someone better looking? Or, at least someone who gets invited to cooler parties.

Hello, and What's New with You?

2009-09-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

I was just noticing the little blurb on these soups here:

Did you notice the little blurb on the left? It says "New! Great Taste!". Here's a closer look:

It's not exactly the wording I would use. I'd say something like "Now even better taste" or "New improved taste". Stating it the way they do makes it sound like the soups taste great now, but not last week.

Did they have a board meeting and decide not to use bilge water in their recipe? Maybe they decided not to use the wilted moldy vegetables when they make their soup. But, whatever they decided, the above soups now have something brand new: Great Taste".

So, can someone explain their Tomato flavor to me:

Here's a close up:

Does that say "New! Same Great Taste!"? So exactly what's new with the tomato soup?

Paradise in the Sky

2009-09-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Back in the Past

I first found out about the High Line about a decade ago. I had a job in downtown New York which I hated, but I had no choice but to take because we just had a dot-com bust, and for the first time in two decades, I was out of a job. The job was located downtown, but instead of taking the PATH train directly to downtown or the subway, I use to get off the train in Penn Station and walk the two miles to my job.

It was actually rather nice, and I learned a lot about New York. I always took a slightly different path between Penn Station and where I worked. Most outsiders don't realize it, but New York isn't just Wall Street or Seventh Avenue in midtown. It consists of lots of various neighborhoods, each with its own unique history and architecture.

Once day, I decided to walk down 10th Avenue and I immediately saw the High Line. It looked somewhat like the elevated subway lines in the Bronx and Brooklyn except it run over the street. Instead, it ran down the middle of the block between 10th and 11th Avenue. I followed it down to about 12th Street just North of Greenwich Village when the tracks mysteriously stopped.

The rail line was obviously abandoned long ago. You could see trees growing out of the top of the line, and the tops of native plants. I was fascinated by the line and one day, I noticed a couple of people climbing up on top of the line, so I followed them. Once I got onto the tracks, I realized that the rail bed was a nature reserve. It was summer and full of flowering plants. I walked the line down to just below 14th Street and climb down into a parking lot.

Whenever I felt a bit blue, I would climb up on the line and walked home. I assumed that I was not suppose to be there, but I saw other people who did it. Over the years, I heard about plans to tear down the abandoned High Line. The Meat Packing district where the High Line was located was starting to turn around, and the powers that be felt that it was an eye sore. And, from street level it was.

Imagine my surprise when I heard about plans to actually turn the High Line into an aerial park. I vowed that I would somehow return to New York, when I had a chance, and visit the High Line once again.

In the Present

Once again, I work in New York just down the street from the High Line, and when the park opened at the beginning of this summer, I returned. For months, I promised myself I'd take a camera and take some pictures, but I didn't do that until today.

The History of the High Line

Once the railroad made it into Manhattan at the beginning of the 20th Century, a line was built from Hells Gate in the north all the way down to a yard just North of Houston Street. This line ran underground North of 34th Street, but ran down the middle of 10th Avenue and Washington Street. Along 10th Avenue sprung up a lot of factories and other buildings that depended upon the rail line and that brought a lot of people to 10th Avenue. Unfortunately, trains and people don't mix too well, and Tenth Avenue got the nickname Death Avenue.

The railroad soon had people on horseback running down in front of the train warning people of the approaching train who quickly earned the nickname Westside Cowboys. When automotive traffic started becoming heavy, the idea of large freight trains running down a busy street simply didn't work, and plans were made to elevate the line. In order to prevent the street from becoming darkened by the overhead rails, the rail line was moved to between the blocks of 10th and 11th Avenue.

There are several places where the trains actually ran through buildings. Most of these were refrigerated warehouses, but the train also ran through the National Biscuit Company's main headquarters and bakery between 15th and 16th Street.

As trucks replaced trains after World War II, the need for this elevated line decreased. By the 1960s, the tracks saw fewer and fewer trains. In 1960s, the southern portion of the Highline that ran down Washington Avenue through Greenwich Village was demolished, and in the 1980s, property owners wanted the rest of the Highline demolished. Fortunately, in the 1990s, various groups lobbied to save the Highline, and in 2002, New York City started working on turning the Highline into a park.

On with the Tour

You can see a glimpse of the Highline peeking out as we look down 20th Street towards the Hudson River. This is how I first noticed it almost a decade ago. As you walk down 10th Avenue, the railroad would disappear, and reappear as it crossed the street.

On 20th Street is the first entrance down up this rather narrow staircase. The stairs go up about three flights over the side of the tracks and back down onto the Highline.

Here's the map of the Highline as it stands now. 20th Street is the furthest North it goes and they're right now working on the segment from 20th Street to 30th Street. The Friends of the Highline want to also include the section between 30th Street and 34th Street where the Highline runs around the MTA Long Island Railroad rail yards. However, the city does not own that portion of the line, and the MTA wants it torn down. That's unfortunate because that section gives you a marvelous view of the Hudson River.

Here's a beautiful view taken from the stairway. Right now, it's late summer. When I first saw the Highline this year, the flowers were all in full bloom.

Well, some of the flowers are still in bloom.

As part of the landscaping, they kept some of the track in the plant beds. A very nice touch.

The Highline goes through a few buildings. Here's the old New York Biscuit Company's headquarters and bakery. Later, they became the National Biscuit Company also known as Nabisco. They were the first N.B.C. This section was a refrigerated section that allowed the train to empty its contents into a cold environment.

The old headquarters and bakery is now called Chelsea Market and the downstairs is like a big shopping mall. Well, like the food court of a big shopping mall. Mostly eateries. However, Amy's Bread has a bakery in there too, so it's nice to know that someone is still using this beautiful old building for its intended purpose.

Here's a picture from the other side. It's easier to see the portal for the train coming through the building. The construction on the left side of the red cones is a water feature that will be sort of a fountain that washes over that part of the trail.

On the right side are some lounge chairs which are quite popular. They're laid out on some tracks and a few of them go back and forth, so you can push them together.

The bakery also had a building across the street, and there was a side track that could reach that building and the one next to it

One of the things that the Highline has done is help revitalized the community around it. Here's some new Luxury Apartments that have an entrance right off the Highline:

And, here's a new apartment that is literally rising above the Highline. The Highline passes directly under it:

The Highline ends right at the start of the Meat Packing District, but you can see evidence of the Highline's old trajectory in this building that's right across the street from where the current track ends. You can see the squarish area where's the track has been filled in. Note the rail support that's been covered with plaster in the picture on the right:

You can see the changes taking place in the neighborhood around the highline. Over here, you can see an old warehouse that has been turned into a trendy shopping area:

If you go down Washington Street a few more blocks to Bethurn, you find the Westbeth Artist Housing. This use to be the old Western Electric building.

You can see the building as it looks now, and how it looked back in the beginning of the last century with the Highline running through it. Funny thing is AT&T (the old American Telephone and Electric Company) didn't needed the Highline. It's that their building was in the way, and they had to cut a whole in it to let them pass. I don't know why nothing has been done with the three story hole since.

I'm with Stupid

2009-09-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Someone figured out my name, and googled it and asked if that was me. What they found was an article how someone with my name, a star of their own reality TV show was busted for DUI and for starting a fight in a bar. This is not me. There are several ways to tell:

I don't drink. It's not a religious thing, it's that drinking doesn't agree with me too well. I get sick. My limit is a few sips of wine which is far from enough to get busted with DUI.
I certainly don't attend hot night spots. I probably can't get past the bouncer, and even if I did, I'd probably cower in a corner somewhere not knowing how to look cool.
However, the most important reason you know it isn't me is that it was reported in the news. If somehow I managed to get into a top nightspot, and I managed to get drunk, and I actually got into a bar fight, it wouldn't be covered in the news unless the headline was Dork Somehow Got Past Bouncer in Cool Nightspot. Patrons Now Searching for New Place.

And, there's no way I'd get my own reality TV show either. I am simply not that interesting. I don't have a drug habit, hang around with cool people, or do anything to excess.

If you search for my name in Amazon, you come across another doppelganger who kayaks all over the place. Again, this isn't me. I prefer to take the train.

Finally, a search in Wikipedia for my name reveals another person who isn't me. This is a man who worked in the Roosevelt administration and headed the WPA's National Research Project. This other person died in 1969, but I bet still is invited to cooler parties.

No, the best way to find me is to Google qazwart. Qazwart is my Internet Word. It is a word that's guaranteed to be unique in all forums, web sites, etc. This way, I don't waste my time trying to figure out exactly what five digit number I have to append to my name in order to find a free user ID. If you Google qazwart, you'll find all my postings:

Well, I guess Ubuntu Linux is okay if you're a wuss, but everybody knows that the Fedora Linux distribution is way better. You can have both GNOME and KDE running at the same time. Plus, it's easier to go into a configuration file with VI and edit the XML settings.

Besides, everyone knows that Kirk was a way better captain than that Picard character. "Woo woo. Look at me. I'm a captain of a starship. I am French, but speak with an English accent." Just proves that you don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, that's me.

Why $8000 is less than $500

2009-09-15T14:08:00.001-07:00

The New York Times had an article about insurance covering text-to-speech devices for those who are unable to speak. The story points out that Medicare and the insurance industry will cover the purchase of a $8000 computer, but not for a $350 iPhone with a $150 application.

Why is that? It's quite simple really: The $8000 computer is a specialized device. Well, it's a computer that runs Windows, but it can't run any other program except for the text-to-speech software. If a user wants to run other programs, they have to pay an extra $50 to have the capabilities added on.

Still, why not pay only $500 for a device that can do everything the $8000 device does and more?

I can answer that for Medicare. For Medicare, the problem is one of perception. Let's say that anyone who needs text-to-speech software can get the $500 iPod package. That would include poor people too. They might find the text-to-speech software helpful, but they might also get games (why not if they spend their own money?), and maybe even applications that let you see (almost) nekid womin. So, what? It's their dime. Isn't it?

Well, not quite. Remember that the government is buying that $500 iPhone package. Yes, it's cheaper than the $8000 device, but think of the fun conservatives would have...

Did you know that the government is giving people on WELFARE iPhones? Do you know what these people do? They play GAMES and look at PORNOGRAPHY. Maybe LIBERALS think this is a great idea allowing our TAX DOLLARS to be used for viewing PORNOGRAPHY and playing VIDEO GAMES, but they forget that it's OUR MONEY!

So, in order not to allow people to waste our tax dollars, we are willing to spend $7,500 more for these devices.

So Long and Thanks for All the Bananas

2009-09-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

About 15 years ago, we had a cartoon hanging up on our refrigerator. I don't know who did it, and I am not sure even were we got it from. It could have been from The Funny Times magazine. The cartoon showed a little boy, about two years old in diapers and heading out the door. But, before he goes, he is turning to look at his parents who are standing about 10 feet in back of him. He is saying to his parents, "Well, it's time to go off on my own. So long and thanks for all the bananas".

It wasn't a particular knee slapper, but my wife and I thought it was so funny because it reminded us about our Daniel who was about two years old at the time, and himself seemingly ready to head off on his own adventure.

Daniel was always independent and took care of himself. When he was still crawling around, my wife and I would be on the couch reading or watching TV and suddenly realize that Daniel had disappeared. We'd realize it was time for Daniel's nap, and started looking for him. We'd always find him on our bed. Instead of waiting for his idiot parents to get around taking care of him, he simply decided to tuck himself in for his nap.

When Daniel was a bit past two years of age, I told my wife he was ready for school. In fact, it was obvious to me he was simply bored at home with my wife. So, we found a pre-school for him to go to. The first day of school, my wife saw all the other young kids crying and begging their parents not to go. They didn't want to go to school. All the other two year olds were suffering from separation anxiety. Daniel simply said "Goodbye Mommy!", and went inside. When I got home, my wife was in tears and suffering from her own form of separation anxiety. "Couldn't he miss me a little bit?", she bellowed.

As Daniel got older, he became a concierge service for our house. If we had to go somewhere, Daniel, at the age of four, would be pushing us along. He'd remind us that we'd have to leave in a few minutes if we wanted to go somewhere on time. He'd be getting our coats, finding the car keys, and making sure the lights are out. He was relentless. He didn't want to hear about our excuses why the rest of the family seemed so poorly organized.

By the time Daniel entered grade school, he was our trouble shooter. If I was having trouble with the cable bill and arguing over the phone with customer service. Daniel would look up at me, and say "Let me talk to them." Here he was in third grade, and ready to argue with the cable company. The sad part is he'd usually do better than I do.

A few minutes later, he'd come in and say, "I took care of everything. They agreed to give us credit for half of last month, promise to send a senior tech service person out tomorrow morning to look into the situation, and they'll give us a free year of HBO."

Daniel would have dreams that he'd be looking around the house, and find his adoption papers. "Wait a second", he'd think to himself, "My parents aren't my parents? Thank God! I was worried I was somehow genetically related to these goofballs."

Well, Daniel is all grown up now, and went off to college a few weeks ago, and I miss him. Daniel had been away from the house before. In fact, months at a time. At the age of 16, he was helping run an over night camp. He was overseeing the activities, making sure that materials were delivered, filling out paper work, and doing all the tasks that the Camp Director would be doing if he was actually any better organized than myself.

But, this is different. He's off to college. Daniel told me to stop whining because he had been way from the house for longer, and he'd be back home in a few months, but that's a lie. I know because I remembered what happened when I went off to college myself. Suddenly, my life didn't revolve around my house -- my parent's house -- any more. Sure, I was away before for months for camp or going off to California, but once I left for college, my parent's house was no longer my home.

My parents didn't toss me out, or rent out my room. They didn't even move without telling me. In fact, they loved it when I came back to their house for dinner. And, if I wanted to stay in my old room for a week or a month, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. But, it just wasn't the same. I had my own place now. It didn't matter I lived in a dorm, or I'd be moving from place to place, renting a different apartment each year. I now had my own home. Sure, it was temporary, the the walls needed painting, and the plumbing leaked. But, it was my home.

And, that's why Daniel cannot come home in a few months. Sure, he'll be at my house, but it won't be his home any more. He's merely visiting.

When our children are growing up, we are so proud of all their milestone events. The first time they sleep through the night, their first words, walking for the first time, going to school, learning to read. However, each milestone they pass is another tick of our clock. The more they do, the less they need us. It is a terrible quandary for us parents. We want them to grow up, but we don't want them to actually grow up. We are proud of their achievements, but know that it really means we ourselves are getting older, and more irrelevant.

We are now entering the time in our lives where our nest is emptying. We don't want to be old, but we have no choice. We know our children have to grow up, but we no longer will be the center of their lives. We spend so much effort and time taking care of our children, and then one day they're gone. My mother once told me that the hardest part of parenting is seeing our children finally turn into actual human beings we can relate to and talk to, and that's when they leave. It isn't fair.

Daniel has only been gone for a few weeks, and he'll probably return for the Thanksgiving break, but he won't be going home. He'll merely be visiting my house. After that, he'll return back to his home and his life, and my house will be a bit emptier.

Having a Wonder Time. Wish You Were There

2009-09-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

I attended my first MothSlam the other day at The Nuyorican Poets Cafe and I had a blast. Let me first describe the Nyrorican Poets Cafe. It is in the Alphabet City section of Manhattan. If anyone tells you that Manhattan is too yuppified, they obviously haven't been to Alphabet City. It looks very much like the outer boroughs -- especially the Bronx.

Imagine yourself walking in an area that is not easily confused with Gramacy Park at night. The buildings are shabby and in need of repair. Suddenly you come to this really abandoned looking building that the rats had long ago left. It looks like there could have been a fire there. You wonder if it is some sort of crack house. Welcome to the Nyrorican Poets Cafe!

While I was waiting in line, the police pulled up in an unmarked panel van, and two undercover officers got out and walked into the building across the street. When they left, they had their perp already handcuffed and being taken to the van. They then frisked him, threw him in the back, and took off.

Or, at least I think it was the police. They didn't have uniforms and it was a beaten up panel van. For all I know, they could have been aliens from another planet collecting people to drain them of their vital fluids. However, the guy they escorted out of the building didn't seem overly concerned about it. He was actually kind of cool about the whole thing. You got the impression this type of thing happened to him a lot. After all, he does live in Alphabet City.

This whole episode was actually quite appropriate because the theme of the night was crime. I was originally thinking of doing a story, but I am too clean living to have any good crime stories.

I was in the playground, and there was this cup dispenser, and Gary was playing with the cups, taking them out and throwing them on the ground. After he left, I was picking up the cups, and I was going to put them back, but the Janitor found me with all the cups all over the place, and thought I did it!

He told me to leave the cups alone and said I was a bad boy for wasting cups. But, I didn't! Gary did it!

I feel so dirty now.

No, that story can't compare to the ones that night. First there was the gay guy who back in high school was caught stealing cassette tapes from Tower Records. The tapes he stole, of course, were (and I am not making this up) Broadway musical tapes. So, the police came and took him to the police station. Unfortunately, that night he was (and I am still not making this up) playing in his school's musical. Fortunately, his father was the district DA, so the police had to let him go. But instead of taking him home, they brought him to his play with lights and sirens blazing. Then, they took him out of the car still in handcuffs and had his English teacher sign for him.

The winner was a man who was heading to a meeting and got pulled over for talking on his cellphone. His car registration was expired, so they arrested him, took him down to the police station, and threw him in jail until the judge could set bail.

While at jail, he said that one of the guys there got everyone to sit around him, and then started offering tips. (Like if you commit a crime and you have left your blood around, a bit of ammonia can destroy the DNA evidence. So, he always carries around a little vial of ammonia). It suddenly occurs to this man that these people were taking a meeting!

It was great fun and something I look forward to doing again. Unfortunately, I didn't get home until after midnight. The Moth got out about 9:30pm, but I had to get back to Penn Station and take a train back home. So, I am not going to every Story Slam, but I'll try to do it once per month. Maybe I'll get to tell my tragic story about Gary and me back in the second grade. It'll be cathartic, I'll be healed, and for the first time in my life I'll be able to hold my head high.

More Nutritious than a Speeding Donut!

2009-09-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

As pointed out in the New York Times, the food industry, bless their soul, is so concerned about our health. But they also know we consumers are so confused by things like numbers, so to make our lives easier, they created the Smart Choice program. All you have to do is look for a green check mark on the product, and you know it's a smart choice to buy!

They even have Dr. Eileen T. Kennedy, the dean of the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University sitting on as president of the board. As she stated:

[R]esearch showed that, while shoppers wanted more information, they did not want to hear negative messages or feel their choices were being dictated to them.

That's right. Us consumers want advice on what to buy, but we don't want you to tell us that our choices are bad choices and be such a Negative Nelly telling us to stop buying overly processed garbage and eat our vegetables. After all, we're not little kids. Instead, praise us when we make a good choice, and then give us a cookie.

Anyway, the point is that good food choices will now have a green check mark on them as part of the Smart Choices food program. So, we consumers no longer have to read labels, and think. Just buy stuff that has the Smart Choices check mark and stop asking so many questions!

And, there are so many smart choices to choose from including foods like Foot Loops. "You mean that overly sugary cereal that is so artificially flavored, they had to spell the word 'fruit' as 'froot'? That's a smart choice?"

Why, yes, but let Dr. Kennedy explain why:

“You’re rushing around, you’re trying to think about healthy eating for your kids and you have a choice between a doughnut and a cereal, so Froot Loops is a better choice.”

So, now we know that the Smart Choice logo really means:

Hey, it's better than a donut.

Other Smart Choices include:

Apple Jacks
Bagel-Fuls Bagel with Strawberry and Creamcheese filling
Best Foods (Hellimann's Real Mayonnaise (regular full fat variety!)
Cocoa Krispies
Corn Pops
Country Crock Margarine (regular variety)
Fleischmann's Margarine (regular variety)
Frosted Flakes
Frosted Krispies
Lucky Charms
Chocolate Lucky Charms (in case you want a cereal like Lucky Charms, but something that isn't quite as nutritious).
Kid Cuisine meals (including chicken nuggets, hot dogs, dip and dunk ravioli, ham and cheese, chicken with cheese quesadillas, fish sticks, mac and cheese, and cheese stuffed crust pizza)
Sweetened Lipton Tea (a wide variety)
Oscar Meyer Bologna (and, I thought this program would only cover actual food substances)

And, of course, the entire line of SlimFast Shake Mixes because once you stuff yourself with the above list, you'll need to lose a bit of weight.

Garrison Keiller

2009-09-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I love Garrison Keillor. Here's a piece from his last monolog about his childhood:

I hung out with a bunch of oddballs.

We didn't have any friends. We leaned against the lockers. We looked down on the floor. We didn't talk to anybody.

We were kids mostly interested in Science Fiction because Earth wasn't really working out for us.

Even Fellow Nerds Distain Me

2009-09-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

I just tried to follow John Hodgman on Twitter. When I tried, I got a message that he had set some sort of lock that prevents people from following him. Apparently, I'm not cool enough for a guy who plays the PC on the Macintosh commercials.

Proof that I am the Anti-Cool

2009-08-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

I just joined Facebook just in time for this article.

Some people are social leaders. They start the latest trends. Others are social followers. They follow the social leaders to the trends.

People like me are the pool pee'ers. When we jump into the pool, it's time for everyone else to jump out.

Organic. Organic. Plastic

2009-08-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

I found another naughty, naughty tea company. Mighty Leaf Tea has an Organic Spring Jasmine in biodegradable tea pouches also wrapped in (can you guess? Yes, that's right!) inorganic, non-biodegradable cellophane!

It's hard to see in this picture because these plastic bags are completely clear.

This Bud's For You

2009-08-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

I just bought a box of tea by a company called Two Leaves and a Bud. This is a Aspen, Colorado company and as such, is required by law to be wholesome and natural.

The box promises that the tea is organic, but beyond that is this promise (Their boldfacing):

This is not our ordinary tea bag. Unlike paper tea bags, our biodegradable mug size tea sachets hold full leaf tea, not dust.

That's right, they have biodegradable mug size tea sachets! Not mere paper tea bags. Not only does this bag contain tea, but like sachets, they can be used to help perfume clothes!

Well, maybe not, but I did notice that each biodegradable mug size tea sachet is wrapped in not-so-biodegradable plastic wrap.

Terms of Service Agreement

2009-08-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

Terms of Service Agreement for Ticketmaster Entertainment, Inc. of Hollywood, California

This is a Terms of Service Agreement between Ticketmaster Entertainment, Inc. of Hollywood, California (herein known as the Seller) and the Buyer (herein known as the Sucker). By respiring oxygen and perspiring carbon dioxide, the Buyer here by acknowledges the terms of this agreement and consents to abide by all sections even if those sections results in Buyer’s involuntary servitude. There will be a $4.95 agreement surcharge.
Buyer acknowledges that completing the purchasing of a ticket on the Seller’s website does not guarantee actual purchase of the ticket. Ticket purchase is not complete until Buyer’s credit card is approved, and Seller is unable find anyone else who’d pay more money. There will be a $16.95 service fee.
By reading this paragraph, Buyer agrees to a $13.95 Terms of Service Agreement fee.
The Buyer is responsible for bringing the purchased tickets to the event and presenting them to the main gate at the venue. Tickets should not be construed as a license to an actual seat at the event. Buyer agrees that Seller or its agents, for security reasons, has full rights to do a search of Buyer and fondle Buyer’s wife or girlfriend – especially if she’s cute – before granting admittance. Buyer agrees not to bring any camera, recording equipment, food, or beverages to the event. Buyer also agrees to buy the overprice wine cooler during intermission. Buyer further agrees to come by on Saturdays and mow Seller’s lawn. There will be a $21.95 security fee.
Arbitration Agreement: In case of a dispute between the Buyer and Seller, the Buyer agrees to forgo civil action in court and submits to arbitration. Arbitration will take place on the home planet of the Klingon Empire in the main arbitration pit at the Stadium of Slow and Painful Death. Seller reserves all rights to sell tickets to this event and collect a service charge of $11.95 for each seat sold. Buyer will arbitrate with Krang, Destroyer of Hope, with Klingon Bat’leth Battle Swords. Winner of the arbitration will take the hand in marriage of Katputh, the daughter of Kwaquk, conqueror of Tactern VI, and take a seat on the Imperial Council. Under no circumstances will Seller actually refund Buyer’s money. There will be a $13.95 arbitration charge.
Privacy Agreement: Seller uses cookies to track Buyer as Buyer maneuvers through the Seller's website. Seller collects the following data in order to help complete the transaction: Buyer’s name and address, Buyer’s telephone number, Buyer’s credit card number, address and key to Buyer’s seventeen year old daughter's apartment who is a freshman attending college and is very lonely and desperate for affection. Ticketmaster will not sell or trade this information to any third party unless they pay us. There will be a $14.95 privacy fee.